Top 10 lies, crimes and misdemeanours from my first cooking class

  1. Does your oven have at least one umlat in its name? If not, you’re some kind of prole.
  2. Chefs refer to table salt as “shit salt”. Behind your back, they probably refer to you as “shit customers”.
  3. Three glasses of white wine – also known to chefs as “bitch diesel” – will aid your fine motor skills as you chop onions.
  4. Cous cous was invented by the Nazis as a cheap, barely edible alternative to rice.
  5. Chef: “You’ve touched worse things than that.”
    You: “My God … how does he know? He is some kind of SORCERER.”
  6. No, it is not just like a TV cooking show, apart from the comparable levels of shame, fear and ostracism.
  7. Your “hilarious” gluten jokes will die a horrible death when someone says they’re coeliac.
  8. When someone says your spring rolls are “fatty boom-bahs”, remember to scream “Don’t you fat-shame me!”
  9. Have you added pine nuts to everything? Go back and add pine nuts to everything.
  10. No matter how many movies you’ve seen featuring buxom Tuscan peasant women blissfully serving elaborate, time-consuming meals to grateful hordes, no meal tastes better if you’ve cooked it yourself.
    In fact, they taste worse.

    Laugh at any of these jokes? Go on and buy my ebook military thriller The Spartan.
    I know you probably won’t but I always ask anyway.

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