We all know after reading the “excerpt” from Michael Wolff’s Fire And Fury: Inside The Trump White House that Donald Trump’s favourite TV channel is The Gorilla Channel, which he allegedly watches for up to 17 hours a day.
But what exactly is on The Gorilla Channel?
Our spies at the White House managed to get a copy of the TV guide to the world’s most exclusive TV channel …

Morning Prayers With Pastor Gary
Gary, the peaceful lowland gorilla, begins the station programming each morning by reciting the Lord’s Prayer using Sign Language.
Morning Prayers is never watched by POTUS – it screens at 9am, long before POTUSES’s typical noon rising – but the station’s reclusive owners insist it is shown each and every morning for “good Christian gorillas everywhere”.

David Attenborough Presents Ultimate Gorilla Bum Fights
Hosted by the world’s leading nature documentarian – an agreement struck after POTUS threatened to frack the Amazon – homeless and cast-out beta gorillas fight each other for big cash prizes.
In a further humiliation, POTUS insists all the fighters must have a full body wax.
Shown twice a day, morning and prime time.

World Wildlife Wrestling Federation
In the wild, gorillas are peaceful creatures who form complex societies and who rarely get involved in physical violence. Of course, that wouldn’t make for very entertaining TV, particularly for the current POTUS.
Led by a mysterious Vince McMahon-type impresario who is never seen in public without a mask, the World Wildlife Wrestling Federation employs Modified Ludovico techniques and electroshock treatment to turn peaceful vegetarians into meat-eating killers. The resultant “participants” are dressed in ill-fitting wrestling outfits and are forced to battle under such pseudonyms as Donald “The Terrible” Trump, Hillary “Benghazi” Clinton “and Kim “The Killer” Jong-un.
POTUS will often call and complain about the winner of particular fights, which is why two ending are always filmed, with the “correct” ending screened after POTUS’S call.

Gorilla Friends
Six young mountain gorillas try to make it in the urban jungle of Manhattan, the classic lines from the human version “signed” by “Rachel”, “Ross”, “Joey”, “Phoebe”, “Chandler” and “Monica”.
Fun fact: Beta “David” is often killed by silverback alpha “Joey”, leading to a hasty replacement.

Gorilla Seinfeld
The only thing that can make POTUS cry.

Gorilla Fox News
Two hours of ageing silverbacks beating their chests in an attempt to intimidate their rivals. POTUS much prefers this to the “FAKE NEWS” of rival GNN (the Gorilla News Network).

Gorilla Saturday Night Live
A right-wing rebuttal to Alec Baldwin’s left-wing simian version. Will be a “go” project once the CIA kidnap Baldwin for his live showtrial.

Gorilla Gilligan’s Island
To this day POTUS remains baffled as to why the US Navy can’t find Gilligan’s Island. SAD!

The Apprentice Gorilla
POTUS only knows two words in Sign Language: “You’re Fired”.

Jackie Collins’s The Gorilla Stud
Dallas Fontaine, a single female lowland gorilla, rises to the top of the jungle by mating with the tribe’s alpha male, Rex Acropolis, in this high-stakes, winner-takes-all thriller. This midday movie is shown at least five times a week.

Are You Stronger Than A Gorilla?
Roided-up professional MMA fighters pit their strength against male silverbacks that can bench-press over 4600 pounds. Hilarity – and dismemberment – ensues.

Gorilla Home Buyers Network
Female gorillas dressed like Southern belles sell bamboo shoots, termite nests, leaves and copies of Trump: The Art Of The Deal via Sign Language. Usually watched by First Lady Melanie Trump when POTUS announces he has to leave the room to Tweet, sabre-rattle with North Korea or “have a shit”.

The Gorilla Wellness Hour
After a full day of leading the Free World and/or watching gorillas fight, POTUS likes to wind down with 60 minutes of watching gorillas reinforce their social bonds by grooming each other.

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

Think you’ve got what it takes to be a spy?
The Australian Secret Intelligence Service is looking for a few good men and women.
Confidently dubbed “The Most Interesting Job Interview”, its online quiz will ask you a series of questions about the qualities needed to become an ASIS operative.
We reckon the interview needs a few tweaks. Here’s the questions they should be asking.

Being an intelligence officer is an exciting profession that requires a very specific skill set. What do you think the phrase “very specific skill set” means?

a) I’m good at recognising faces in a crowd
b) I can repeat overheard conversations verbatim
c) I’m a good communicator
d) I’m like Liam Neeson’s character from Taken

Did you really think we were referring to Liam Neeson’s character from Taken?

a) Yes
b) No
c) “If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”

There was a clock on the wall when you came in. Did you see what time it was?

a) Noon
b) Zero Dark Thirty
c) Quitting Time
d) That was a trick question. In the age of the iPhone, no one uses clocks any more

As an intelligence officer most of your assignments will take place in the airport. Do you find that knowledge depressing?

a) Yes
b) No
c) Yes

We need to you to persuade this flight attendant to give you an aisle seat. How will you do it?

a) Tell her you work for ASIS
b) Talk to her and read her facial reactions until she smiles at you, suggesting sympathy to your plight. Then ask her
c) Beg
d) Throw a hissy fit and threaten to put your tantrum online so it will go viral and shame the company

Now we’re on the plane. Please try to spot the terrorist on the plane. Is it?

a) Tom
b) Dick
c) Harry
d) The only person on the plane not hunched down over a smartphone. Clearly they’re an oddball

ISIS officers are good at noticing small details. Did you recognise which flight was cancelled back at the airport?

a) New York
b) London
c) Canberra
d) Bali. Totally gutted

In intelligence, it’s important to have sharp ears as well as sharp eyes. Listen to this crowded conversation and tell us what the woman on the left ordered.

a) It was too difficult to follow
b) She had linguine on Bourke Street
c) She had penne arrabiata on the Death Star
d) No need. I’ll just read her Yelp review

Can you do us a quick impression of Sean Connery as James Bond?

a) No
b) No
c) “Morning, Mish Moneypenny.”
Results
We can’t actually tell you which answers you got right or wrong (except for when you answered D – that was always right). But our overall results suggest that being a spy might be right for you. Now if you can just figure out where to send your application …

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and a paperback.

Ever since the publication of Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People in 1936, the business community has been obsessed with books whose olde-worlde wisdom could allegedly be used in real-life situations.
Everything from Machiavelli’s The Prince to Sun Tzu’s Art Of War, the Tao Te Ching and even the Bible have been examined ad nauseum in the belief that it would give today’s business leaders some vague edge over the competition.
And yet, perhaps for a few faint gems of wisdom (“all warfare is based on deception”) these books have had little practical wisdom to offer  a 21st-century full of office workers rather than, say, rival Chinese warlords.
With this in mind, Mark Corrigan’s first book, Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs, can best be described as “brave”.
The first warning that Corrigan’s tome might be problematic was the fact that the publisher – who we had never heard of, and whom none of our colleagues in the publishing industry had heard of, either – spelt Mark’s surname wrong on the cover (along with the word “Pharaohs”).
Nor was it a good sign that this review copy was left in the private bathroom of our main reviewer, with a note asking if we would kindly look at this “promising author’s new wrok”.
After such an inauspicious beginning, it is perhaps not surprising that Corrigan himself doubts the power of his own words, seemingly naysaying the whole enterprise with a self-negating quote on the inside front cover.
“The first thing is to acknowledge that the ancient Egyptian era is so completely different from our own that any cultural, political and business parallels that we draw between the two eras are, by their nature, almost bound to be wrong,” he writes.
Full marks, at least, for Mark’s honesty.
Sadly, Mark lacks the confidence of other blaggers in the business self-help industry, continuing to shoot down each argument with some self-effacing, hopelessly middle-class British remark.
It’s almost as if he doesn’t believe in his heart that there really are any cultural, political and business parallels to be drawn between an agrarian civilisation ruled by godkings and a modern Britain governed by EU rules.
How else to explain his assertion that Egyptian hieroglyphics are an “ancient form of emoji?” Or that business managers should be worshipped as a type of living god?
The comparison between the Great Pyramid of Giza and the Millennium Dome in the chapter entitled “Build Something Really Big To Awe The Proletariat” can only be regarded as tongue firmly in cheek.
We sense a kind of envy in Mark at the autocratic power of the pharaohs. They knew how to “get things done”, unshackled by “Brussels bureaucracy”. Certainly, there would have been no Brexit under Ramesses I. Or unions. (He also makes unflattering comparisons with the British Government and Rommel.)
The fact that the last third of the book is written in all caps – and by all indications, in some sort of frenzied state, as if chasing some self-imposed deadline – further removes any enjoyment for the reader. (One sentence is interrupted by the comment “get out of the room and leave me alone, Jez”. Was that some flawed reference to Sedge and Bee, the symbols of Upper and Lower Egypt?).
We can’t also escape the impression that the book consists entirely of cheap-quality printouts.
Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs would have benefitted from a better editor – or, indeed, sign of any type of editor.
Still, despite everything, we detect a sliver of potential in Mark Corrigan’s work.

My military thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

Set the wayback machine, Sherman, to 2006, when rising director and now Star Wars imagineer Rian Johnson dropped the compelling high school noir drama known as Brick.

I recommend you check it out. Oh, and also check out my interview with him in those heady pre-Star Wars days here.

Would be awesome too if you checked out my new thriller Game Of Killers, now available as an ebook and paperback.

 

 

Dear Premier,
How are you? Are you well? Good to hear!
I’d writing to suggest an amendment to the Companion Animals Act 1988 that prevents me from bringing my jaguar Terrence to my local pub. I feel that Australia is behind the rest of the world for not allowing Terrence and his man-skull-crushing jaws into public life.
If dogs and other companion animals are allowed into pubs and clubs – a move that is also long overdue – surely my bloodthirsty stalk-and-ambush predator that lives at the very top of the food chain should be allowed to accompany me out at night, sans leash.
He’s already a feline rock star with the public. You can just imagine their delight (and, yes, horrified surprise) when they spot Terrence lurking in the fake rainforest settings in RSLs near the pokies. Sadly, police have been called on three separate occasions to enforce the draconian Companion Animals Act. I myself have been Tasered twice (once in the buttocks – no, that is not funny).
I know of at least two countries that already allow citizens to take wolverines, honey badgers and African lions  into public eateries. So far the casualties have been in the low double digits … but the amount of joy delivered is unmeasurable.
I know Terrence suffers from my absence during the day – apart from the times he escapes through the screen door and leaves the bodies of unidentified small animals up the backyard tree – and would welcome the chance to accompany me in public.
I can’t necessarily claim that my jaguar is technically an “assistance” animal by the strict letter of the law. However, when people see Terrence out in public I find him of invaluable assistance when jumping ahead of queues/finding suddenly empty tables at fast-food venues/scoring parking spaces hastily vacated by drivers.
Jaguars and other deadly cats are a valued part of our community and enhance our lives in myriad, possibly unquantifiable ways.
Surely the next move once dogs are inevitably admitted into pubs and clubs is to broaden the range of permitted animals.
As mentioned before, wolverines – pound for pound, the most aggressive animal in the world, but quite sweet once you get to know them – are already roaming the boulevards and buffet lines of the finest eateries of the far east.
Now it is time to allow other creatures such as komodo dragons, wolves, poison dart frogs, deathstalker scorpions, birds of prey and other beloved companions into the moribund city scene, already suffering due to the Lock Out laws.
I know Terrence has no objection to other non-apex creatures such as handbag dogs and toy poodles in his vicinity – why, he lets out a low, friendly and in-no-way sinister growl when he sees them! He’s so friendly he practically salivates!
I for one would be delighted to see someone with a killer python around their neck (making new friends, ha ha) at pub trivia. Or a pokie patron “tussling” with a Kodiak bear. Fun!
And yes, I am a responsible pet owner. I always clean up after Terrence. I carry a variety of black bags of several shapes and sizes for storing Terrence’s remains (scat, antelope, dead hobo parts).
While we are talking, dear Premier, I would also like to see an “off-the-leash jaguar park” for the inner city. Our last experience at an “off-the-leash” dog park was problematic to say the least, owing to the hurtful comments of the dog owners – far more hurtful, in my mind, than Terrence’s own alleged “rampage” (currently before the courts).
So yes, Mrs Premier (or do you prefer Miss?), once we change the Companion Animals Act 1988 to accommodate dogs in pubs and cafes, it would be great if we could just go a little further and let my pet jaguar Terrence in, too. He can’t wait to join the party … he’s a party animal!

Lots of love,
Terrence’s owner

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is now available as an ebook and paperback

Cristian Mihai

The perfect assassin’s tool has been stolen from America’s high-tech labs. Only Tier 1 soldier the Spartan can prevent it from killing the US President.

It was one word.
Spartan.
A name.
Spartan.
A call sign.
Spartan.
A blood oath.
Spartan.
A way of life.
Spartan.
And America’s only hope.
Spartan.

Millions died in the United States when a weaponized plague was unleashed upon the world.

Now a new menace threatens the country just as it begins to recover.

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More improvisation
I feel that Rich and Abed follow their script too rigidly. I want to hear more crazy, off-the-wall improvisation, preferably featuring dead and/or possibly dying celebrities, the benefits of jarts, movie screenplay pitches, lovemaking advice columns, unpopular condiments and gamehows from hell. 

Abed should stop talking over Rich
Let the man talk already!

Introduce a third host
I think we all agree that you need more than two hosts to make a hit show. They should introduce a third character/host. Maybe someone hip and edgy like Poochy, the wisecracking dog that enlivened moribund Simpsons dramaturgical dyad Itchy and Scratchy. I wonder what Poochy is up to right now?

Female guests
You’re batting zero for zero – or whatever sporting analogy fits here; in Australia we don’t have baseball and gridiron, only cricket and rugby.
Particularly as, according to your latest figures, women make up 90 per cent of your listeners.

Remove the fourth wall Does Rich need to suddenly go to the crapper? Tell us all about it!

Less references to “balls” Or should that be “fewer” references to balls?

Wacky sound effects
Like a drum roll or that musical instrument that goes “wah-wah”. Maybe even a kazoo. Wacky sound effects also tell us when we are allowed to laugh.

A comedy bibliography at the end of each episode that explains the origin of each joke and why it was funny
Could the title “Gone Riffin'” even be some type of pun itself?

Merchandising
You need to release Rich and Abed action figures just in time for Christmas. Sure to fly off the shelves!

Make the show three hours long each week
With intermission, so people can grab a coffee or go to the crapper (that’s what you call it in America, isn’t it?). Without an intermission Lawrence Of Arabia would never have won all those Oscars … and would have been primarily remembered for making the bladders of all those Academy members explode.

My military thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.