9am: Meet Elliot Alderson: vigilante hacker extraordinaire. He’s the perfect hero for our times: anxious, nervy, clever, fully aware that the system is rigged against him. I like him already.
9.07am: He’s using his awesome hacking skills to take down a coffee shop owner. Too bad it’s for something sleazy and not for the terrible coffee they serve in those big chains (next time I go into one I’m going to say my name is like one of those gigantic titles from Game Of Thrones, like “Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons”).
9.25am: Wow, Elliot’s crying in his apartment. We’ve all been there. I wish I could give him a big hug.
9.30am: I love how Elliot talks straight to the camera. It feels like he’s talking straight to ME!
10.10am: Dude greets Elliot by saying “bonsoir”. How classy is that? You just know anyone who speaks French can’t be a villain.
10.30am: Treat myself to an Iced Vo Vo. I feel like I deserve it. Plus no one eats Iced Vo Vos any more (why is that?).
10.45am: Elliot has a bestie called Mr Robot, kind of a sketchy older dude played by Christian Slater (loved him in Heathers). Wait … what? Did Mr Robot really just do that? Spit out Ice Vo Vo crumbs across the floor.
11am: Back to Elliot and his hacker collective, F Society (wonder what the “F” stands for). They want to launch the hack from hell against E Corp … or, as Elliot likes to call them, “Evil Corp”. Hack the evil corporation, save the world … kind of like Heroes with “save the cheerleader, save the world”. Only there’s no cheerleaders here … just more socially maladjusted hackers.
11.15am: So Elliot’s got a whole “will they or won’t they” thing going on with his friend Angela. Kind of like Sam and Diane from that other bingeworthy series, Cheers.
11.30am: Tyrell’s wife is kind of hot. I keep that thought to myself and don’t tell my wife on the opposite couch.
11.45am: Turns out people who speak French CAN be villains.
12am: Do I really have to go to the bathroom? I guess so. But it’s a good sign to how addictive Mr. Robot is that I’ve held out this long.
1pm: Lunch. Time to discuss what I’ve seen with my wife. I’m learning new things, such as what the IT phrase “honeypot” means. Maybe I could be a hacker vigilante, too. She doesn’t think so. Feel offended.
2pm: My buttocks are slightly sore from sitting rigid in the same spot for so long due to the excitement. I have a hard life.
2.30pm: Elliot is starting to get paranoid. His paranoia is infectious … I glance over my shoulder to see my wife looking at ME. Maybe she senses that I find Tyrell’s wife hot. She knows these things.
2.35pm: Don’t want to give too much away, but the following hours include hacks, beatings, shootings, Dark Armies, darker deeds … and even murder.
4pm: The big reveal. I did not see THAT coming. Kind of like the big reveal from The Empire Strikes Back. I’m still getting over that one.
4.15pm: My bladder complains. Maybe TV shows should be rated by how long you hold off going to the bathroom while watching them … the implication being the longer the hold-off the better the show. Maybe shows should be ranked between 1-5 Bladders. In that case, Mr. Robot is definitely 5 Bladders.
4.16pm: Reluctantly answer the call of nature.
4.30pm: There are two tragedies in life … not getting what you want AND getting what you want.
Spoiler alert: Elliot gets one of these.
But me and my wife definitely got what we wanted: hours and hours of quality viewing courtesy of one of the best new series on TV.
My ebook military thriller The Spartan is out now on Amazon.