“Due to unforeseen circumstances” – actually they could have been foreseen. No one wanted to see the one-hit wonder/ageing pop star/disco dinosaur/hasbeen comic/rock relic on a superannuation top-up tour. There was no demand. Hence no one bought any tickets. That didn’t require a crystal ball. Thus management have wisely pulled the plug, saving the star the ego-crushing sight of seeing more than half of the room empty as they perform.
“Contract negotiations” – the act and promoter are possibly suing each other.
“Issues beyond our control” – they include lack of ticket sales; lack of appropriate rider (“what do you mean, you can’t supply dwarves walking around with trays of cocaine on their heads?”); diva/male diva (devo?) suddenly discovering the distance between Australia and the US (“20 hours on a plane for a few grand? Screw that”); the star being arrested on drugs charges; the performer’s latest album flopping in the charts, perhaps due to the performer’s radical, possibly jazz-themed “new direction”; or that no one has actually been able to reach the act for weeks.
“Tour not cancelled, merely postponed” – sometimes indefinitely. Also see “Madonna”.
“Scheduling conflicts” – this excuse is often used when an emerging star suddenly becomes massive after already committing to an Australian gig, which compels them to pull out and concentrate on bigger markets than Australia. Often the star will supply a quote – possibly written by a PR flunky – saying how they’re sorry for “disappointing their Australian fans” (or “Down Under fans” for added familiarity) and promise to tour there next year, by which time most people would have forgotten said promise.
“Conflict over facilities” – the ageing Grammy winner refuses to perform in an RSL. Or even Penrith Panthers.
“Visa issues”  – act possibly refused entry into Australia for prior criminal conviction.
“The timing isn’t right” – when the tour was originally booked the Australian dollar was worth $1US. Now at 77 cents, that substantially reduced paycheque is looking less attractive … particularly in light of the aforementioned 20-hour flight.
“Personal reasons” – the band all hate each other and refuse to share a tour coach, let alone share a stage.
“Performer plays jazz” – say no more. To quote Frank Zappa: “In rock you play three chords to 1000 people; in jazz you play 1000 chords to three people.”
“They need to spend time with their family” – this is the excuse politicians typically use when they are forced to resign due to sex scandals. “I deeply regret the pain I have caused to my wife and children after being pictured on page one with my face in a stripper’s lap. I hereby resign to spend more time with my family.”
“Personal circumstances” – can literally mean anything.
“Medical reasons” – excuses range from a sudden lack-of-ticket-sales-induced chest ache to a genuine Meatloaf-esque heart attack on stage.
“We couldn’t sell any tickets” – an excuse you’ll never see.
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