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Designed in new, non-phallic shapes

A quieter crunch to reduce the social awkwardness of loudly crunching in public

“Lady Doritos” polled better with groups that “Suffragettos”

Optional “sparkly unicorn” packaging

Doubles as a body scrub and exfoliant

Introduces identity politics into chips

Comes in pink

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce ran their ruler over it and could see nothing wrong with the concept

“This is the best marketing decision since New Coke”

Will probably cost more than “Gentlemen Doritos”

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

No one throws a sub-editor through a window, either … even when they take a red pencil to the very first line of an earth-shattering exposé

No one screams across the newsroom: “Do you have the Dalai Llama’s phone number? Or the Pope’s?”

There is no real estate lift-out featured with the headline “why it’s never been a better time to buy”

No one is asked to file 1000 words for page one and 500 “for the website”

No one is stabbed with a newspaper spike

It is journalistic tradition to ring a giant bell when you finish a story

There is no furious debate over whether to drop the Marmaduke, Hagar The Horrible or Cathy cartoons to make more room for bigger stories

Hot type and Xerox machines became obsolete in journalism at least a year ago

There is way too little smoking in the office

No one is pictured wearing a hat with a “press” card stuck in the brim

No intern is forced to do a Starbucks run for pumpkin lattes

Journalists never succumb to random monologuing

There are no car chases or action montages

Tom Hanks makes editors seem “dangerously likeable”

Bob Odenkirk is pictured using something called a “pay phone”

No one rolls up their sleeves to reveal a tattoo in an edgy German newspaper font

No one sits around trying to make puns out of the names of Thai restaurants

The latest “superfood” goes sadly unreported

In one scene, you can clearly see that someone has managed to solve the daily Sudoku

The Pentagon Papers are unveiled through cloak-and-dagger journalism rather than being discovered in a cabinet in a second-hand shop

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

The concept
In the future, the human consciousness can be digitised and downloaded into new bodies – or “sleeves”.
In the future, the rich – also known as “Meths”, short for Methuselahs – can technically live forever.
In the future, morality is for the powerless and the poor.

The story

Former military officer Takeshi Kovacs is retrieved from the “stacks”, given a new body and a new assignment – to find out who killed “Meth” Laurens Bancroft.

The world
It’s cyberpunk meets detective story meets Blade Runner … but with an even darker premise.
The Singularity never happened. But AI, off-world colonisation and societies massively divided by wealth did.
The only victory the poor used to have was that the rich died along with them. Now they’ve had even that consolation taken away from them.
Death has been conquered.
But not sin.

The visuals
Primo small-screen eye candy.
“Damned if it isn’t the best-looking series Netflix has yet produced,” wrote The AV Club.

The gun show
Primo high-tech bang bang.

The source material
I’d never heard of Altered Carbon author Richard Morgan before this, but I am now bona fide HOOKED.
A staggering achievement for a first novel, Altered Carbon won a slew of prize including the Philip K. Dick award.
Read it NOW.
Actually, read it after you’ve seen the series.

The critics
“Ambitious, dense and thrilling, Netflix’s new sci-fi epic starring Joel Kinnaman, James Purefoy and Martha Higareda is a binge-worthy potential blockbuster,” wrote The Hollywood Reporter.

The actors
Did we mention James “Rome” Purefoy, Joel “RoboCop” Kinnaman and Martha “El Mariarchi” Higareda?

The binge factor
Because you’ve already watching Game Of Thrones, The Sopranos, Westworld, The Wire and everything else and you’re looking for a new series.

The satisfaction
This will go some way to filling that sci-fi-shaped hole in your heart left by the disappointment of the Blade Runner sequel.

My military thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

We all know after reading the “excerpt” from Michael Wolff’s Fire And Fury: Inside The Trump White House that Donald Trump’s favourite TV channel is The Gorilla Channel, which he allegedly watches for up to 17 hours a day.
But what exactly is on The Gorilla Channel?
Our spies at the White House managed to get a copy of the TV guide to the world’s most exclusive TV channel …

Morning Prayers With Pastor Gary
Gary, the peaceful lowland gorilla, begins the station programming each morning by reciting the Lord’s Prayer using Sign Language.
Morning Prayers is never watched by POTUS – it screens at 9am, long before POTUSES’s typical noon rising – but the station’s reclusive owners insist it is shown each and every morning for “good Christian gorillas everywhere”.

David Attenborough Presents Ultimate Gorilla Bum Fights
Hosted by the world’s leading nature documentarian – an agreement struck after POTUS threatened to frack the Amazon – homeless and cast-out beta gorillas fight each other for big cash prizes.
In a further humiliation, POTUS insists all the fighters must have a full body wax.
Shown twice a day, morning and prime time.

World Wildlife Wrestling Federation
In the wild, gorillas are peaceful creatures who form complex societies and who rarely get involved in physical violence. Of course, that wouldn’t make for very entertaining TV, particularly for the current POTUS.
Led by a mysterious Vince McMahon-type impresario who is never seen in public without a mask, the World Wildlife Wrestling Federation employs Modified Ludovico techniques and electroshock treatment to turn peaceful vegetarians into meat-eating killers. The resultant “participants” are dressed in ill-fitting wrestling outfits and are forced to battle under such pseudonyms as Donald “The Terrible” Trump, Hillary “Benghazi” Clinton “and Kim “The Killer” Jong-un.
POTUS will often call and complain about the winner of particular fights, which is why two ending are always filmed, with the “correct” ending screened after POTUS’S call.

Gorilla Friends
Six young mountain gorillas try to make it in the urban jungle of Manhattan, the classic lines from the human version “signed” by “Rachel”, “Ross”, “Joey”, “Phoebe”, “Chandler” and “Monica”.
Fun fact: Beta “David” is often killed by silverback alpha “Joey”, leading to a hasty replacement.

Gorilla Seinfeld
The only thing that can make POTUS cry.

Gorilla Fox News
Two hours of ageing silverbacks beating their chests in an attempt to intimidate their rivals. POTUS much prefers this to the “FAKE NEWS” of rival GNN (the Gorilla News Network).

Gorilla Saturday Night Live
A right-wing rebuttal to Alec Baldwin’s left-wing simian version. Will be a “go” project once the CIA kidnap Baldwin for his live showtrial.

Gorilla Gilligan’s Island
To this day POTUS remains baffled as to why the US Navy can’t find Gilligan’s Island. SAD!

The Apprentice Gorilla
POTUS only knows two words in Sign Language: “You’re Fired”.

Jackie Collins’s The Gorilla Stud
Dallas Fontaine, a single female lowland gorilla, rises to the top of the jungle by mating with the tribe’s alpha male, Rex Acropolis, in this high-stakes, winner-takes-all thriller. This midday movie is shown at least five times a week.

Are You Stronger Than A Gorilla?
Roided-up professional MMA fighters pit their strength against male silverbacks that can bench-press over 4600 pounds. Hilarity – and dismemberment – ensues.

Gorilla Home Buyers Network
Female gorillas dressed like Southern belles sell bamboo shoots, termite nests, leaves and copies of Trump: The Art Of The Deal via Sign Language. Usually watched by First Lady Melanie Trump when POTUS announces he has to leave the room to Tweet, sabre-rattle with North Korea or “have a shit”.

The Gorilla Wellness Hour
After a full day of leading the Free World and/or watching gorillas fight, POTUS likes to wind down with 60 minutes of watching gorillas reinforce their social bonds by grooming each other.

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

Think you’ve got what it takes to be a spy?
The Australian Secret Intelligence Service is looking for a few good men and women.
Confidently dubbed “The Most Interesting Job Interview”, its online quiz will ask you a series of questions about the qualities needed to become an ASIS operative.
We reckon the interview needs a few tweaks. Here’s the questions they should be asking.

Being an intelligence officer is an exciting profession that requires a very specific skill set. What do you think the phrase “very specific skill set” means?

a) I’m good at recognising faces in a crowd
b) I can repeat overheard conversations verbatim
c) I’m a good communicator
d) I’m like Liam Neeson’s character from Taken

Did you really think we were referring to Liam Neeson’s character from Taken?

a) Yes
b) No
c) “If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”

There was a clock on the wall when you came in. Did you see what time it was?

a) Noon
b) Zero Dark Thirty
c) Quitting Time
d) That was a trick question. In the age of the iPhone, no one uses clocks any more

As an intelligence officer most of your assignments will take place in the airport. Do you find that knowledge depressing?

a) Yes
b) No
c) Yes

We need to you to persuade this flight attendant to give you an aisle seat. How will you do it?

a) Tell her you work for ASIS
b) Talk to her and read her facial reactions until she smiles at you, suggesting sympathy to your plight. Then ask her
c) Beg
d) Throw a hissy fit and threaten to put your tantrum online so it will go viral and shame the company

Now we’re on the plane. Please try to spot the terrorist on the plane. Is it?

a) Tom
b) Dick
c) Harry
d) The only person on the plane not hunched down over a smartphone. Clearly they’re an oddball

ISIS officers are good at noticing small details. Did you recognise which flight was cancelled back at the airport?

a) New York
b) London
c) Canberra
d) Bali. Totally gutted

In intelligence, it’s important to have sharp ears as well as sharp eyes. Listen to this crowded conversation and tell us what the woman on the left ordered.

a) It was too difficult to follow
b) She had linguine on Bourke Street
c) She had penne arrabiata on the Death Star
d) No need. I’ll just read her Yelp review

Can you do us a quick impression of Sean Connery as James Bond?

a) No
b) No
c) “Morning, Mish Moneypenny.”
Results
We can’t actually tell you which answers you got right or wrong (except for when you answered D – that was always right). But our overall results suggest that being a spy might be right for you. Now if you can just figure out where to send your application …

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and a paperback.

Ever since the publication of Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People in 1936, the business community has been obsessed with books whose olde-worlde wisdom could allegedly be used in real-life situations.
Everything from Machiavelli’s The Prince to Sun Tzu’s Art Of War, the Tao Te Ching and even the Bible have been examined ad nauseum in the belief that it would give today’s business leaders some vague edge over the competition.
And yet, perhaps for a few faint gems of wisdom (“all warfare is based on deception”) these books have had little practical wisdom to offer  a 21st-century full of office workers rather than, say, rival Chinese warlords.
With this in mind, Mark Corrigan’s first book, Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs, can best be described as “brave”.
The first warning that Corrigan’s tome might be problematic was the fact that the publisher – who we had never heard of, and whom none of our colleagues in the publishing industry had heard of, either – spelt Mark’s surname wrong on the cover (along with the word “Pharaohs”).
Nor was it a good sign that this review copy was left in the private bathroom of our main reviewer, with a note asking if we would kindly look at this “promising author’s new wrok”.
After such an inauspicious beginning, it is perhaps not surprising that Corrigan himself doubts the power of his own words, seemingly naysaying the whole enterprise with a self-negating quote on the inside front cover.
“The first thing is to acknowledge that the ancient Egyptian era is so completely different from our own that any cultural, political and business parallels that we draw between the two eras are, by their nature, almost bound to be wrong,” he writes.
Full marks, at least, for Mark’s honesty.
Sadly, Mark lacks the confidence of other blaggers in the business self-help industry, continuing to shoot down each argument with some self-effacing, hopelessly middle-class British remark.
It’s almost as if he doesn’t believe in his heart that there really are any cultural, political and business parallels to be drawn between an agrarian civilisation ruled by godkings and a modern Britain governed by EU rules.
How else to explain his assertion that Egyptian hieroglyphics are an “ancient form of emoji?” Or that business managers should be worshipped as a type of living god?
The comparison between the Great Pyramid of Giza and the Millennium Dome in the chapter entitled “Build Something Really Big To Awe The Proletariat” can only be regarded as tongue firmly in cheek.
We sense a kind of envy in Mark at the autocratic power of the pharaohs. They knew how to “get things done”, unshackled by “Brussels bureaucracy”. Certainly, there would have been no Brexit under Ramesses I. Or unions. (He also makes unflattering comparisons with the British Government and Rommel.)
The fact that the last third of the book is written in all caps – and by all indications, in some sort of frenzied state, as if chasing some self-imposed deadline – further removes any enjoyment for the reader. (One sentence is interrupted by the comment “get out of the room and leave me alone, Jez”. Was that some flawed reference to Sedge and Bee, the symbols of Upper and Lower Egypt?).
We can’t also escape the impression that the book consists entirely of cheap-quality printouts.
Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs would have benefitted from a better editor – or, indeed, sign of any type of editor.
Still, despite everything, we detect a sliver of potential in Mark Corrigan’s work.

My military thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and paperback.

Set the wayback machine, Sherman, to 2006, when rising director and now Star Wars imagineer Rian Johnson dropped the compelling high school noir drama known as Brick.

I recommend you check it out. Oh, and also check out my interview with him in those heady pre-Star Wars days here.

Would be awesome too if you checked out my new thriller Game Of Killers, now available as an ebook and paperback.