Think you’ve got what it takes to be a spy?
The Australian Secret Intelligence Service is looking for a few good men and women.
Confidently dubbed “The Most Interesting Job Interview”, its online quiz will ask you a series of questions about the qualities needed to become an ASIS operative.
We reckon the interview needs a few tweaks. Here’s the questions they should be asking.
Being an intelligence officer is an exciting profession that requires a very specific skill set. What do you think the phrase “very specific skill set” means?
a) I’m good at recognising faces in a crowd
b) I can repeat overheard conversations verbatim
c) I’m a good communicator
d) I’m like Liam Neeson’s character from Taken
Did you really think we were referring to Liam Neeson’s character from Taken?
c) “If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”
There was a clock on the wall when you came in. Did you see what time it was?
b) Zero Dark Thirty
c) Quitting Time
d) That was a trick question. In the age of the iPhone, no one uses clocks any more
As an intelligence officer most of your assignments will take place in the airport. Do you find that knowledge depressing?
We need you to persuade this flight attendant to give you an aisle seat. How will you do it?
a) Tell her you work for ASIS
b) Talk to her and read her facial reactions until she smiles at you, suggesting sympathy to your plight. Then ask her
d) Throw a hissy fit and threaten to put your tantrum online so it will go viral and shame the company
Now we’re on the plane. Please try to spot the terrorist on the plane. Is it?
d) The only person on the plane not hunched down over a smartphone. Clearly they’re an oddball
ISIS officers are good at noticing small details. Did you recognise which flight was cancelled back at the airport?
a) New York
d) Bali. Totally gutted
In intelligence, it’s important to have sharp ears as well as sharp eyes. Listen to this crowded conversation and tell us what the woman on the left ordered.
a) It was too difficult to follow
b) She had linguine on Bourke Street
c) She had penne arrabiata on the Death Star
d) No need. I’ll just read her Yelp review
Can you do us a quick impression of Sean Connery as James Bond?
c) “Morning, Mish Moneypenny.”
We can’t actually tell you which answers you got right or wrong (except for when you answered D – that was always right). But our overall results suggest that being a spy might be right for you. Now if you can just figure out where to send your application …
My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is out now as an ebook and a paperback.