Dear Premier, please change the law so I can take my pet jaguar to my local pub

Dear Premier,
How are you? Are you well? Good to hear!
I’d writing to suggest an amendment to the Companion Animals Act 1988 that prevents me from bringing my jaguar Terrence to my local pub. I feel that Australia is behind the rest of the world for not allowing Terrence and his man-skull-crushing jaws into public life.
If dogs and other companion animals are allowed into pubs and clubs – a move that is also long overdue – surely my bloodthirsty stalk-and-ambush predator that lives at the very top of the food chain should be allowed to accompany me out at night, sans leash.
He’s already a feline rock star with the public. You can just imagine their delight (and, yes, horrified surprise) when they spot Terrence lurking in the fake rainforest settings in RSLs near the pokies. Sadly, police have been called on three separate occasions to enforce the draconian Companion Animals Act. I myself have been Tasered twice (once in the buttocks – no, that is not funny).
I know of at least two countries that already allow citizens to take wolverines, honey badgers and African lions  into public eateries. So far the casualties have been in the low double digits … but the amount of joy delivered is unmeasurable.
I know Terrence suffers from my absence during the day – apart from the times he escapes through the screen door and leaves the bodies of unidentified small animals up the backyard tree – and would welcome the chance to accompany me in public.
I can’t necessarily claim that my jaguar is technically an “assistance” animal by the strict letter of the law. However, when people see Terrence out in public I find him of invaluable assistance when jumping ahead of queues/finding suddenly empty tables at fast-food venues/scoring parking spaces hastily vacated by drivers.
Jaguars and other deadly cats are a valued part of our community and enhance our lives in myriad, possibly unquantifiable ways.
Surely the next move once dogs are inevitably admitted into pubs and clubs is to broaden the range of permitted animals.
As mentioned before, wolverines – pound for pound, the most aggressive animal in the world, but quite sweet once you get to know them – are already roaming the boulevards and buffet lines of the finest eateries of the far east.
Now it is time to allow other creatures such as komodo dragons, wolves, poison dart frogs, deathstalker scorpions, birds of prey and other beloved companions into the moribund city scene, already suffering due to the Lock Out laws.
I know Terrence has no objection to other non-apex creatures such as handbag dogs and toy poodles in his vicinity – why, he lets out a low, friendly and in-no-way sinister growl when he sees them! He’s so friendly he practically salivates!
I for one would be delighted to see someone with a killer python around their neck (making new friends, ha ha) at pub trivia. Or a pokie patron “tussling” with a Kodiak bear. Fun!
And yes, I am a responsible pet owner. I always clean up after Terrence. I carry a variety of black bags of several shapes and sizes for storing Terrence’s remains (scat, antelope, dead hobo parts).
While we are talking, dear Premier, I would also like to see an “off-the-leash jaguar park” for the inner city. Our last experience at an “off-the-leash” dog park was problematic to say the least, owing to the hurtful comments of the dog owners – far more hurtful, in my mind, than Terrence’s own alleged “rampage” (currently before the courts).
So yes, Mrs Premier (or do you prefer Miss?), once we change the Companion Animals Act 1988 to accommodate dogs in pubs and cafes, it would be great if we could just go a little further and let my pet jaguar Terrence in, too. He can’t wait to join the party … he’s a party animal!

Lots of love,
Terrence’s owner

My new thriller Game Of Killers: The Spartan is now available as an ebook and paperback

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