Stop stereotyping white ants as villains, nation’s white ants tell Canberra press gallery

The nation’s peak white-ant body has called upon the Canberra press and both sides of politics to cease their vilification of its members following talks of a tumultuous Liberal party spill.

Incensed by media references to Tony Abbott’s alleged “white-anting” of Malcolm Turnbull, Ben Insectivore, chairman of the National White Ant Support Group, says it is time for all concerned to put aside their “speciest” behaviour and casting white ants in a dastardly light.

“My members are sick and tired of the Canberra press gallery referring to the perfectly natural behaviour of white ants as something underhanded and cynical,” said Insectivore. “Casting aspersions on our perfectly legitimate habits undermining structures to gain access to the juicy timber inside only serves to demean white ants everywhere.

“Our constant underground tunnelling in the search for new food sources has nothing in common with the Machiavellian cut and thrust of federal Liberal politics.”

Insectivore called for understanding from the human world, threatening to take the matter to the Anti-Discrimination Board if the anti-white-ant slurs did not stop.

“It’s not fair to vilify the hard-working mothers and fathers of the white-ant world,” he said. “My members often work 23 hours a day putting food or dead leaves on the table for their larvae. At the end of the day, your average, true blue, salt-of-the-earth white-ant is too busy scouring Canberra’s infrastructure for tasty morsels to care about poll results, whether the Liberals are heading for electoral oblivion or what another Tony Abbott government might mean for Australia.”

Insectivore added: “To suggest that we’re some kind of secret agents agitating for change is, at best, speciest, at worst, a form of insect blood libel.”

Asked about his own opinion on the Liberal leadership battle, Insectivore said that white ants are by their very non-human nature apolitical.

“Mate, we’re too busy locked into a brutal Darwinistic fight for survival to care about who is PM,” he said. “I’ve already got 1000 kids: try looking after them for a day and just see how much time you have left to watch the 7.30 Report or Tweet questions to Q&A.”

My military thriller The Spartan is out now on Amazon. The sequel is due out in 2017.

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