Addressing the subject of a mass terrorist shark attack today, the Prime Minister promised that any shark taking part in such an event as a “sharknado” would have its citizenship revoked.
“The public reasonably expects to be kept safe from giant waterspouts that lift sharks out of the ocean and dump them onto city streets to menace innocent civilians,” he said. “To this end, any Australian shark found to be participating in a ‘sharknado’ will have its citizenship revoked. No such shark will be allowed onto our highways and byways to menace voters.
“I have consulted extensively with King Neptune and he was assured me that such giant maneaters will be required to remain in the cold depths of his realm.
“Our top aquatic lawyers likewise assure me that such legislation is not only feasible but necessary to keep the public safe.”
The PM is also pushing through “dual realm” legislation that will require other dangers from the world of fantasy and literature to choose which realms they will live in – those of man or those of fiction.
“For example, vampires such as Dracula will be required to remain in their castles at night and not assume the form of a bat, fly into the bedrooms of sleeping, comely virgins and feast on their virginal blood. Particularly virgins in marginal electorates.
“Nosferatus of any nationality will be strictly monitored under our new proposed laws.
“Zombies will be required by law to wear electronic ankle bracelets to monitor their activities. Once they complete their shifts in low-skilled, mundane and repetitive jobs in factories, clothing stores and supermarkets, they will be expected to return to their primary residence of deserted barn or abandoned prison. Under no circumstances will they be permitted to feast on ‘brains’, no matter how many times they beg in their distinctive, guttural moans.”
Other beings, both supernatural and magical, are expected to fall under the purview of the new laws.
“Werewolves will be required to either live in the city or the woods full-time … and report to authorities on days of the full moon. Nor will they be permitted to slink off into the forest, rip off their shirts to reveal rapidly hairing chests, and cry ‘awooo’.”
The PM said the public will have a role in policing such activities under a program known as “work for the ghoul”.
“Ghosts will have their passports to the physical world revoked if they persist in haunting voters. To this end, we expect to train young unemployed adults and dogs that solve mysteries to police ghostly activities wherever they find them, be it at abandoned themeparks, haunted hotels or sinister castles.
“Criminals found to be masquerading as ghosts – for ‘shits and giggles’ or as part of unneccessarily complex plots over revenge or valuable real estate – will be subject to stiff penalties, as well as having their disguises torn off of them in public.
“As a visual reminder that the government is hard at work keeping the public safe, these teams will drive around in vans bearing colourful, cartoonish, psychedelic patterns.”
The PM added that rarer creatures such as dragons, skeletons and half-man, half-Frankenstein abominations of nature will be dealt with “on a case-by-case basis”.
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